Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Thirty spokes are joined together in a wheel,
but it is the center hole
that allows the wheel to function.

We mold clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that makes the vessel useful.

We fashion wood for a house,
but it is the emptiness inside
that makes it livable.

We work with the substantial,
but the emptiness is what we use.

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In the 33 strategies of war, Greene notes that it is unwise to overstay your presence. If you leave a debate with somebody at a sensible timing before culmination of the conversation, it leaves room (which is the “emptiness”) for further anticipation and he will come to desire your presence in future.

In addition, rather than attempting to fill in every vacancy of a person’s thoughts or correct every fallacy of his ideas, it may be a better idea to indirectly question him on his false notions – rather than forcefully arguing your points – and allow him to take care of his problems on his own. In this regard, it can be argued that the tao te ching puts great emphasis on “autonomy.”It may look risky to put a state of affairs to a chance, but a reasoned way of letting “it” be will usually work better than trying to rectify every supposedly wrong situation. Every counselor must heed this advice. That you should trust the self-correcting power of the person you are dealing with. Your purpose is to guide the person, not dictate his thoughts. Who do you think you are? You are no different mortal person than he is.

Personally, I can hardly recall anybody that tried to help me in that way. Every single one of them was assertive, and I did not appreciate their advice very much. Ultimately, regardless of their true intents, their efforts only aggravated my relationships with them.  I only grew resentments towards them. Although I cannot deny that there were several moments afterwards in my life that I felt there were several truths in what they said, I do not think the way they spoke helped me very much. Mostly, their main interest was in proving themselves right rather than trying to be a caring person. If they had to choose between proving themselves right and feeling superior, and being ready to be proved to be wrong for my benefit, they would choose the former.

When I was a teen way younger than now, they wouldn’t spend a penny more for me in a social gathering place. Their behaviors contradicted the apparent intent of all their bullshit.

I find this attitude highly repellent. Some of them justified their rude “advice” to me by saying that they would never have said those things in the first place if they did not care enough about me. They said saying bullshit is better than showing complete indifference. I disagree. In fact, it would have been far better for them to leave me be and take care of things myself. Their unsolicited advice and interference only annoyed me, and I still have bad memories of them. I find them despicable. I want them out of my life.

A truly caring person will show respect for you instead of talking with domineering attitudes. He will accept your individuality and try to compromise between himself and you. Even if it is obvious that you are seriously flawed in some respects, the person will not throw those things directly in your face. He will patiently wait and try to only sow the seeds of improvement in your personality and leave the rest of the job to your autonomy.